I can't make myself do anything. I can't make myself draw, I haven't talked to anyone in days. Well, except Jana, over skype while we ran a dungeon in guild wars 2. That's pretty much all I've been doing, and it's bumming me out. I haven't even left the house since I got back to my parents house on Thursday evening. I'm going to make myself go out today. I have something I have to mail, and there's a 7-11 down the street that takes EBT. So I can go get myself some snacks or something at least. I didn't really work out this weekend either, but that's okay. I don't normally anyway, except Fridays, which I should have. I was just really exhausted from all my walking this weekend. I walked 7.8 miles on Monday, and even more on Wednesday and Thursday. So when it got to Friday I just didn't want to do anything. Which extended into all weekend.
I mean I guess that's not entirely true. I got like two panels done of my stupid pony comic. But I don't even feel like finishing it. I started inking my Lore drawing last week, never finished, never colored. It's just felt like torture lately, I don't know why. Everything comes out all whack. I think after my move I'm gonna focus my drawing time on those figure drawing lessons on Wysp, and try to plan some animations to add to my portfolio. But will I follow through? Who knows.
I also went digging around the CompTIA website and the Sacramento City College Website, and I found that there is a program there that will prepare me for the two major certifications I would need, the A+ and the Network+. It's just a matter of starting, but I don't know if I'll be able to start this year or have to wait until January. It's a matter of when I can get my funds. I think I should set up an appointment with a counselor there, to talk about transferring from AI to SCC, and how to get all of my paperwork and whether I need to reapply for FAFSA this year or not. I probably do since I'm changing schools, but I want to know when that will mean I can start classes and such and how to request transcripts and the like.
Buhhh I hate this. It just feels like so much waiting and I feel my brain turning into mush. I just can't operate properly without my own space. Having a roommate is fine, but living in someone else's house where you have to use all their stuff and can't have things the way that makes them most efficient for you is just maddening to me and I just can't really get to any work in that environment.
So like, I was at some group thing, and I met this guy there who seemed pretty cool, if a bit shy and quiet. I don't remember why but we go back to his place, but he lives in Thailand I guess? I've never really seen Thailand, but I recognized the writing and I think someone said something about it. For some reason the area around his house was all dark woods. Anyway, so we're at his place, and we start talking about sex, and he goes into some of his hang ups about it. He ends up taking out his dick to illustrate why he has such a hard time with sex, and I look over and it is comically large. Like, as wide as football and long enough to go through his legs and tap him on the back. It looked hilarious (in hindsight), but I didn't laugh at him or anything. Well, I can't remember how it happened, but we ended up on his bed and we're about to fuck (like, how?) and he starts to stick the tip in but then suddenly he backs off me and starts apologizing and saying that he "shouldn't have done that" and he was "out of line". Then he gets off the bed and waits for me to reassemble myself clothing-wise. I'm just thinking to myself, well you didn't do anything wrong, but you clearly have some hang ups, so okay.
Then we go outside and it's in those dark woods and we're walking around and talking some more, but then he runs off and disappears. I try to follow but I've lost him. So I start walking and then Jana and I are walking on some sidewalk in Sacramento, Natomas I think, and we're right near a strip mall with a grocery store, and I try to tell her what happened, but she keeps laughing at the dick thing. Then, ahead of us on the sidewalk I see Jeff heading towards us with his backpack and shopping bags. So I assume he's headed to the store. So I wave and smile friendly at him, but he gives me this stink face and throws something at me, barely missing my arm. I turned to look at the thing, but then turned back and kind of gave him that sarcastic half smile one raised eyebrow expression and then did the so/so hand tilt gesture. Indicating that I was making fun of his throwing ability. He got even madder and stomped off to the store in a huff and then I woke up.
Man, there is no good response to someone complimenting your art by putting their art down. If you ignore the put down it can be seen as tacit agreement, but if you address it at all you'll probably be seen as a condescending shit head.
Here's something I wish i could tell some of the people on my blog, in a big ol' post, but I don't because I worry that someone will take it personally, as a public personal message to them. I don't want that either.
But two years ago, before I joined tumblr, no one gave two shits about my art. Nobody used to come to any of my galleries to compliment me on what a good artist I was. Nobody online ever asked me for drawing pointers. The response I've gotten on my art in the last two years in sudden, amazing, and a bit overwhelming. As much as I tell other artists that they shouldn't compare themselves to others and that they shouldn't hate their art, I often struggle to follow my own advice. I hate my art all the time, and as much as I'm trying to change my perspective from "hating my art", to "recognizing my flaws and accepting them because everyone has them and just use that knowledge to get better", it's still a hard road to hoe. I wish I could tell people that even if you aren't where you want to be now, doesn't mean you won't or that you can't. Just that the best thing you can do is try to move forward, find what you like about your art, and what isn't working and work on way to fix it. There is no magic technique or solution or advice that will make you a better artist. You have to look inward, and you have to do the work, and you have to seek out critique. And it's hard to do those things. And it sometimes takes a long long time to see for yourself the results of your work, and it can be so discouraging. The only thing you can do is draw more and experiment and don't care if something you tried turns out like crap because no one has to see it unless you want them to.
On the flip side. I wish I knew how to more gracefully accept compliments. I'm always so unsure If I'm coming off the right way. I am very grateful for all the people who've been following my art and supporting me, but I worry about coming across as insincere or condescending.
Anyway, that's it.
I've been kind of pissy. None of my friends from the Bay Area aside from Jana have spoken to me in the almost 2 months since I've been gone from AI. Not one. Jimmy has been ignoring me forever, and I've unfollowed her on tumblr. At this point I think I'm just going to disappear.
I'm hurt. I would have loved to get out of the house and see some of them before I left, but I was unable to invite anyone over, and no one bothered to invite me to hang out, even after they all told me to keep in touch. So I get to log into tumblr and see pictures of all of them hanging out while I sit and take up space.
God. What I wouldn't give to make some friends who actually give a shit whether I'm alive or dead. I feel like, basically only Jana, Aryn and Pants would even give a shit if I never talked to them again.
It hurts to miss people so badly and have them just not even care that you're leaving.
Oh yeah, my mom is celebrating one full year of sobriety. I'm so glad that she's kept on it, and seems to have no regrets about quitting. I think she's just happier in general, and is not constantly worrying about keeping all three of us fed and sheltered all on her own (even when she was married to my dad he wasn't really around he was always away on business). For a long time she was really depressed, and I think she was just drinking to cope with that, and then we all moved out and she was able to get on her feet and get a better job, and rekindle a relationship with her old high school crush. So, now she's living the life she always wanted for herself and the drinking had ceased to be a coping mechanism, and began to hinder her enjoying her life. I'm happy for her.
I'm really glad because if she were still drinking i would not want to stay with her, even just for a week.
I got it! Yay! I have a place to live! And it will be the biggest place I've had in like 5 years D: I'm so excited. Just the bedroom was the size of my old studio, plus I have a living room, a little half dining room and a small kitchen (but twice the size as the one in my old studio :p). And I'm paying half as much for it. So good. It's ina really nice area of midtown too. It'll be nice to have urban living without so many crackheads. And it's pretty close to the LGBT Center here in town. My mom suggested that I go and try to volunteer there, and maybe try and get a job. Which I think I might do. At the very least I want to make my presence known there so I can try to find some new friends, so I don't fall in with the same people I was hanging out with before.
My sister is really freaking excited to have me back, I'm gonna stay at her place for a night next week and we're going to dye the eggs we never got to at easter XD I'm really excited to see her again and hang out with her more.
I rarely remember but this one I did, so I wanna get it down.
Jana and I were in some backyard. I guess it was her backyard, but it was way bigger and better and full of more trees than her balcony thing. But we had taken all the birds outside, the two cockateils, Gobbler and Olo, and the two conures, Pogo and mango. Mango and Gobbler and Olo were on hanging out on Jana and Pogo was on my shoulder. Suddenly the cockateils fly off Jana. I call out to Olo and he lands on my hand and is all cute. But Gobbler hella tries to fly away. He leaves the yard and Jana gives me the other bird and takes off after him. Then I woke up. The end. Oh yeah, i remember waking up because I was really worried about the bird and Jana being sad.
So, I'm gonna be moving to my new place in a couple of weeks, and I've been thinking about getting a cat. I know I said I wanted a dog, but with the way rental properties are out here (in the whole state mostly), I just don't think it would be wise, as I would more likely than not have to separate with it in order to get affordable housing. But, cats are much more welcome in rental properties than dogs, so I would not have to worry about it as much. Then wait until I am settled or own my home before I get a dog, or at least make a lot more money so I could pay for the more expensive pet friendly housing. There are a lot of cute black ones of various ages at the spca in Sacramento. I'd love to have a black cat again. I miss my little Baka.
Man... it's hard to get used to not being depressed. Hating myself was a full time job for over a decade, and I seemed to have switched gears to hating most everyone else. Not cool. Hopefully the new meds will help mellow me out. I'm also hoping once I start school again and actually feel like I'm doing more than taking up space I'll fare a lot better. I don't think I realized the full extent of how my attitude had changed until the night before last when I almost lost Pants. We're both going through a weird transitory phase of our recovery and it's sort of brought things to a head. At least we're able to talk about these things honestly, I think we both have come away from this fight with a better understanding of ourselves and each other, which can only help things. I think that's all I want to say about that for the moment.
The new meds seem to just make me drowsy, which works I guess, but the pharmacist says to give it time and my body will adjust to them, so we'll see how it goes. It's going to be hard remembering to take meds twice a day (as I have a notorious habit of being terrible at remembering to take them), but I set up some alarms on my phone, so hopefully things will be groovy.
I think I'll like having a predictable schedule again, at least for 18 weeks at a time, and I can use my phone to help me orchestrate it. I've been meaning to spend some time with it, get it ready for school with apps that help productivity and help with anxiety (I think there's one called "SAM" I've been wanting to try using) , and maybe look and see if there are any CompTIA A+ certification reference materials on there, then organize all of them little icons into a practical and efficient system. (I hate that my new phone just drops new app icons on the first page of my phone "home" instead of just leaving them in the app list until I place them where I need them. It's really upsetting. >.<)
I looked back at the schools in Sacramento/Roseville and upon closer inspection it turns out that they DON'T have the program I need x.x The only two I've seen with the repair program is DVC here in Pleasant Hill and Cabrillo in Santa Cruz, and as much as I'd like to live in either of these locations, neither of them are affordable in the slightest. My other option is to look at online courses, or just trying to teach myself the material and just take the CompTia A+ certification exam. I sorta just want to give up most of the time.
I know my hormones are making me more aggressive than I am used to, and I have not completely figured out how to deal with it, but please don't condescend to me and think I won't notice.