I wish I could stop yo-yoing between thinking I’m the shit and thinking I’m fucking trash.
I wish I could just do those things I used to enjoy.
I used to joyfully pump out at least a peice a day, and now I’m lucky if I finish anything in a week.
Even when I am feeling motivated to do stuff, I just distract myself with something else. I want to work, but I’m just so unsatisfied with my work. I feel so inadequate. I feel so frustrated that everything I make looks so flat and I just rush through things, because shit, if I don’t put my full energy into it, it doesn’t matter if it sucks, right? It’s not my best so who cares. But all that means is that I am consistently giving only a half assed effort and curtailing my own progress. To what end? Just to protect my feelings. Feelings which would not devastate me so if I just put in the work and made myself into a better artist.
Fucking god I hate me. I can’t motivate myself to do jack shit but fuck around and be lazy.
I can’t talk to a lot of friends about my shortcomings in art because they all just rush to tell me that they like my art. But those comments just make me feel so hollow, and they always sound so pithy. I know my work is nothing special and I have barely any hope of ever becoming a professional, so please just stop trying to rub my ego.
Something in my brain is holding me back and I wish I could kill it.