Logan Exasperated

(no subject)

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"All of my needs are met, therefore no one should have the right to complain about anything. The only people who do are go damn SJWs.  Real people don't feel anything except the smug satisfaction I feel while I'm huffing my own farts." 
  • Current Mood
    annoyed annoyed
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emotions

I act as if I have no emotions to protect myself. People in my life have used my very strong emotions against me and so I act as if I have none, but you should have known better. Whatever. It doesn't matter now.
Data

Seattle in 6-8 months?

So, my mom called me today to let me know that the two bedroom apartment won't be available for a month or two, and in the interim, she would stay with my uncle and I would stay here. Then when the apartment was ready, we'd move in there and sign a 6 month lease for it. But, then she dropped the bombshell on me, at the end of the six month lease she's thinking about moving to Seattle Washington, and asked if that's something I would like to do.

I've thought about it in past. I really do love Seattle, and I do have friends up there, and family, and the family that doesn't live there does come to visit.... But I've also heard it's really expensive, and I dunno what sort of jobs are there for me, and I have so many more friends up here, well in the Bay Area. Then there's the other thing, Seattle is pretty liberal, but do they have any support for transgender people?  Will I be able to find a clinic where I can get my medication. Are there any support groups out there, I'm sure there must be... Plus I also am gonna have to consider what Pants wants to do...

Shit, so many changes and a million things to think about.  I was wanting to move closer to the Bay Area, not farther away.... But Seattle wasn't really on my recent radar either....
  • Current Mood
    rushed rushed
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Changes

I'm just copying and pasting this right now.

[2:48:40 PM] Brody Bot: I think my Mom and Et are breaking up :(
[2:49:01 PM] Cayden Coronado: oh no
[2:49:02 PM] Brody Bot: I think it's partly my fault tooo
[2:49:44 PM] Cayden Coronado: what?
[2:50:31 PM] Brody Bot: Well, money is one of those things that can make or break a relationship, and my mom has been paying to support me, and I think that strain just really made the other problems worse
[2:51:25 PM] Brody Bot: She just texted me telling me she's looking to rent a house and that's going to be moving...
[2:52:51 PM] Brody Bot: She called me a few days ago and we talked about the money she's been giving me... I feel so bad. I feel so sad for my mom, and I feel bad and a little guilty, and I'm sad because I was really starting to like Et and his family...
[2:55:35 PM] Cayden Coronado: I know what it's like to feel guilty about money stuff. and well...other people's relationship problems aren't your fault. yeah money being tight can make certain problems worse but it's not the money itself that makes or breaks a relationship. if it makes other stuff worse then there was something to be made worse in the first place. you do not get blame for existing and needing food and shelter. hopefully it will work out but even if it doesn't it's not your fault.
[2:56:36 PM] Brody Bot: Yeah...I suppose...
[3:00:19 PM] Cayden Coronado: hey it's true okay. other people's relationship issues are not your fault.
[3:01:10 PM] Brody Bot: Okay, thank you... I still feel bad.. but you're probably right.
[3:05:25 PM] Brody Bot: This all seems so sudden, I didn't realize things between them were not going well until Christmas

There's more to say but I still need to get it straight in my brain before I put it all down.  I don't really know much more.  I'm still waiting to hear bck from my mom about what's going on, but I'm staying over at her house tomorrow night I'm sure I'll know a lot more then...
  • Current Mood
    gloomy gloomy
Data

....

I wish I could stop yo-yoing between thinking I’m the shit and thinking I’m fucking trash.

I wish I could just do those things I used to enjoy.

I used to joyfully pump out at least a peice a day, and now I’m lucky if I finish anything in a week.

Even when I am feeling motivated to do stuff, I just distract myself with something else.  I want to work, but I’m just so unsatisfied with my work.  I feel so inadequate. I feel so frustrated that everything I make looks so flat and I just rush through things, because shit, if I don’t put my full energy into it, it doesn’t matter if it sucks, right?  It’s not my best so who cares.  But all that means is that I am consistently giving only a half assed effort and curtailing my own progress. To what end? Just to protect my feelings. Feelings which would not devastate me so if I just put in the work and made myself into a better artist.

Fucking god I hate me.  I can’t motivate myself to do jack shit but fuck around and be lazy.

I can’t talk to a lot of friends about my shortcomings in art because they all just rush to tell me that they like my art. But those comments just make me feel so hollow, and they always sound so pithy.  I know my work is nothing special and I have barely any hope of ever becoming a professional, so please just stop trying to rub my ego.

Something in my brain is holding me back and I wish I could kill it.

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(no subject)

Was really sad yesterday.  Played Guild Wars with Jana all night.  Felt a bit better. Had my shot today. Missed my medication yesterday. Took it today. Feeling detached. But I'm done with my homework for the week.  Might go visit Aryn and Jag soon. Man I really hope so.  Opening for commissions this week. Trying to make it into a real part time job. 20 hours a week.  I have planned slots and have made a spreadsheet to help organize them.  Still have lots of SNAP money for the month. Spent my money wisely.
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Furry fandom stuff

I really miss being more involved in the fandom and going to fur meets and stuff. I've been trying to get more involved again.  I logged back into Furcadia and started going back to Furaffinity more, and joined some furry message boards.  I've been wanting to go to a meet though. The only deterrent is the feeling I'm not wanted.  That the people there don't like me anymore because I left and I didn't keep in touch very well.  And then there was that big falling out with Mandi.  I guess we buried the hatchet between us last time we spoke but we haven't spoken since so I have no idea what she thinks of me now.  It only matters really because her boyfriend has a lot of pull with the group,and if she and he don't like someone they tend to get ostracized.  Hrmmm  I know there were a fewpeople who were excited to see me at Furcon, which was only in January so I guess hopefully they will be there. Also, if Raxmei is there I can return his comics to him.

Anyway, I want to kind of test the waters before I just up and go to a meet, so I'm thinking of making a post on the message board saying I'm back and see how people respond.

Huh I'm apparently still a moderator.  Interesting.